I Think I Shouldn’t be Writing This

When my boyfriend told me that he will be taking steps to go to Australia, my first reaction was shock. He always talked of going there to study, but in my mind I had tucked it away as an event far away. And yet here it is.

My next emotion was rage. How could he leave me? How could he? But he was not leaving me, he is just going to another country to study. I know that. Fuck, I know that! But the rage became hot and burning tears. They flowed uncontrollably and unreasonably.

I struggled to accept it and become supportive. So I swallowed my tears and they mixed in my blood like poison. I continue with my life. I don't say anything.

"Let your soul take you where you want to be. Only then you can belong to me."

I am often emotional. I wept to the random melodies. The purposeless remarks about love. I wept everyday without telling. And as my secret sentiment grew, I feel like it is eating me and my part of our relationship.

I wonder if he had noticed the sliver of ice that had crawled into my heart. People say that the opposite of love is hate. No, its apathy, the absence of any emotion. A void. A gaping, growing void that threatens to eat everything in its wake.

I write it here because I wanna feel a little comfort. I don't wanna say anything because what kind of person I am to stop him from leaving? I doubt if he understands. After all, he is not the one to be left behind.

Letters #1

I have known him for more than four years. But sometimes when I look into his eyes, there is something familiar yet so strange. 

He loves me. That I know as much, he tells me that everyday. And yet I feel my love feels so immature compared to his. His love is protective, patient and kind. I think he has an old beautiful mind that sometimes I cannot grasp.  A love that I don’t understand and understand. 

But I think I like that he is a mystery and a familiarity. I want to take time and know more about him.